Sex and Love
Being raised in the South, I have been steeped in old southern values. Some of them I find charming. Some of them I find quite annoying. There is one that I find completely antiquated in this day and age. It is the value of the “Good Girl.”
The “Good Girl” is what our female support group tells us we must be in order for people to enjoy our company. It is the essential element in getting and receiving affection from the proper man, as well. It is also, in my opinion a one sided, barbaric way of thinking.
For those of you who are reading this and do not understand the “Southern Good Girl” rule of living it goes something like this: if you are a well raised woman, you have been told since you were in utero, that your most precious commodity is your sexuality. So as a woman of the South you are taught to use sex as a weapon, as a bribe, as a device, as a safety net, also as a source of steady income from one worthy man.
Women are ridiculed by the elder women of their southern social tribes for being too “easy.” Women are called “whores” and “sluts” by their peers for being overtly sexual. Sometimes, even for the simple acknowledgement of the enjoyment of sex can bring about a tirade of judgment, both internally and externally. This however is a double edged sword, because if you find only one man and stay with him forever, you can enjoy that one sexual experience as much as you want and talk about it frequently. That is optimal in the southern lady’s circle.
So in order to justify why we have pleasure in sex we add a stipulation onto it; love. There you have it, the basis of all ridiculous relationship problems and the main reason for an ever increasing divorce rate.
So allow me to clarify the meanings and differences of sex and love.
I will start with sex because it is easier to explain. Sex is a physical gratification and a basic need. It has the ability to make you feel a flood of endorphins if preformed with the proper technique. It has the ability to be as exciting as making a grocery list if done with the improper technique.
Sex is an intimate moment of physical pleasure shared by two people. It is much like a roller coaster ride, thrilling and exhilarating, with a lot of screaming and fast up and down motions. It does not matter if you love that person or not. That factor has no bearing on how pleasurable the experience can physically be. (I know a lot of you are saying “Sex is so much better when you love the other person.” I am going to address that in a moment.)
However, sex does require a certain amount of trust, because for sex to be enjoyed by a women she needs to be relaxed. Men, I am about to let you in on a fantastic secret, if you want the best sex ever, let the woman you are with know that even her imperfections are sexy to you. Are better yet, don’t even notice any imperfections. Just keep your eyes on the prize, which is some hot, wild, possibly freaky sex.
Here is the sad truth, as women we have been told that our physical beauty validates us, not our charm or warmth. We are bombarded with photos of the perfect female form, luscious lashes, long legs and bobbling breast. Of course the media fuels these images because capitalism fuels the media. So we go out and buy the things displayed next to the image of the beautiful woman (the purse, the diet pills, the workout tape, the car) so that we can be beautiful as well. The media knows that the majority of people are just normal looking, but everyone, especially women, are trying to be something better, something more exciting, something special, something noticed. We all want to be flawless diamonds so we can receive flawless diamonds. We outsource our confidence. We equate the value of our worth with the value of our possessions.
Do we know that it is a shallow endeavor? Sometimes, yes. Still, it is so deeply ingrained in our upbringing that it is hard to see the truth. Also ingrained in our upbringing is the idea that we must be in love with someone or in a relationship with them before we give up the prize.
I think this idea causes a lot of unhappiness. I can be physically attracted to a man and not even want to talk to him. It is chemical and physical and has absolutely nothing at all to do with love. But it has to be justified or else we are considered whores. (REALLY? I think this idea was thought up by very ugly women who needed a devise to level the playing field.)
This causes the games to begin. Many doomed relationships start with this tired idea. A courtship begins because the woman must allow it before she can give up the prize. Most men have accepted that this is part of the hunt, so they play along. The longer the woman holds out on the gratification the more entangled the man must get in order to acquire the promised prize. Once the prize has been acquired several things can happen in this scenario.
1.) Both parties can enjoy the act of sex and then a mutual alliance is formed. The sex continues and love may or may not occur. This is the optimal outcome of a sexual encounter and is most logical.
2.) The woman can enjoy the sex and the man cannot. At this point, he must decide whether he can get good sex somewhere else. If he can, he will leave the scene and be called a bastard for the rest of his days. If he cannot, he must decide whether he would rather have bad sex or no sex. A man will almost always opt for bad sex over no sex in hopes that training can occur. The woman will lower her standards and make many excuses for the man in this situation.
3.) The man can enjoy it and the woman can hate it. It which case, the play gets very complicated. If she dumps the man right away, people will say she is a strumpet. So she must perform the act of sex until she finds an acceptable excuse to blame him for her leaving the relationship. Now, this makes absolutely no logical sense but follow the train of thought. If she sleeps with him and leaves, she is a bad girl. If she sleeps him and stays until he does something stupid then leaves, he was just asking for it. And then he is deemed not worthy of her affection anymore because he is a complete a**hole. All of her friends will then turn against him, because if he is not worthy of a friend’s love then he is not worthy of theirs’ (also they all secretly know, the sooner the break up after the sex, the worst the sex.)
4.) The fourth scenario is even weirder. This is where the man has enjoyed the sex a lot, but doesn’t really like the girl. The girl has enjoyed the sex A LOT, and then has convinced herself that she is in love with the man. Great sex will make you act like a nut if you have never had it before. In this case, the girl turns into a complete psychotic bitch in the pursuit of keeping the great sex. This is also where a girl finds out who are her true friends; because women secretly know that if you are acting a fool over a man then that is some good sex. And good man is hard to find and a hard man id good to find. The man will put up with the craziness because crazy bitches put an incredible amount of energy in keeping their man. (Great sex!)
Now let us discuss how love factors in to the equation.
Love is a different creature. Love can be expressed physically but can only be felt in a spiritual way. Note, I said spiritual and not mental. If you find that love is a mental feeling then you are not in love; you are convincing yourself to love.
Love is an abstract idea, and so very hard to define. It is the connection of souls. It is the conception of art. It is a feeling of lightness and joy. It is an electrical touch. Love endures all things. So, even if someone hurts you, if you truly loved them it will be forgiven, eventually. It may not be forgotten nor allowed to happen again, but you will find after the initial hurt that the love is still there.
When you truly love you cannot find a reason to leave. You look for reasons to stay. When you truly love the opinions of others outside of your love do not matter. You will disconnect from friends and family in the face of ridicule for your love.
Yes, love shown through the act of sex is incredible. It is be like no other sexual experience. It is the tangling of bodies and the mingling of souls. It is the sweetest, most passionate moment of existence. It is addictive.
Love never has to be forced. I never hear people that are truly in love file thru the list of why they have to love the other person. They never say, “Oh well, he is a good provider, he is handsome, and he is an animal lover…” You know why you never hear them go through the list? Because they don’t have to justify the reason they love that person. They just do and that is enough. It is a beautiful thing.
Love can exist without sex. I have been in sexless love relationships with men before. I still love them. I think of them often. No matter the circumstance, the thought of them always makes me smile, even if it is sometimes swirled with a twinge of pain and loneliness.
So now, that I have brought to your attention the difference between love and sex and the games that are played in the face of social acceptance, can you see why so many relationships are in turmoil?
All I can say is stop it! If you are a grown woman go out and have sex with whomever you feel like. Keep it discreet if you are worried about being called a slut and if you are not then go for it. Have fun. Do not worry about the rules that old ugly women made in order to level the playing field. You are only going to be young and in this body for a short time, have fun with it. And during the journey, I hope you find love.
And for you young or old ugly women out there that are calling names and judging people, you can just stop it. We are on to your game. We know that you are eaten up with insecurity. Don’t be. Confidence is sexy and true love is blind. Join us and you may have some fun.
